Lost Love

But oh well I guess, what’s done is done, ya know.  I just miss you still, a lot.  Maybe I miss feeling how much you love me.  And I miss just getting to be around my best friend and getting to share so much with you and getting so close with you.  And I just wish we would have been the ones for each other.  That would have been really nice.  But I guess I realize now if things proceeded as they were, I would eventually have been very unhappy, and I think that that would have hurt you to see.  Sometimes I still wonder if at one point you had empathy, but then lost it.  It seems as a little boy you had a sensitive heart, which for it to be all about you could be possible, but just seems a little unlikely.  I still don’t completely understand why you want what you want in life, though I’ve tried to.  It almost seems as if work and comfort sometimes get prioritized over love.  But that happens.  And that’s your choice.  I want my life to be a great adventure with the love of my life.  I figure that the rest will probably fall into place once that’s there

I often wonder what will happen with your love for me when you find someone else and eventually settle down like you want to.  Will it fade?  Will it change?  Will you forget about it?  Will you forget about it through distractions like work and going out, maybe by having a child?  Will she know about me, ever be ok with me?  Or are some things better left unsaid?  It seems to me that it would be hard to harbor the kind of love you have for me along with another love for someone who supposedly is supposed to have your heart.  So either a part of you will always be in love with me and have to somehow reconcile that with having a different wife, or your love for me will change or dissipate, which is hard to process now given that you speak of your love for me as being so strong and so eternal, that you ended up loving me more than you thought you could, that you knew you loved me from that first day we met up after all those years for lunch.  I don’t really know why I wonder so much about these things, probably because they affect statements made to me now, like what it means for me to always have a place in your heart and for you to always love me.  I always say that time will tell if “forever” is true.

Maybe you’ll meet someone else and realize I wasn’t all that, or at least that I wasn’t everything you wanted, that there is someone better for you.  Maybe love will no longer blind you so much to all of my flaws—my sensitivity and changing emotions—and your love for me will be able to genuinely change, or maybe even go away.  Sometimes I wonder though—do people ever get married to someone else even though they know they also love someone else, even perhaps possibly more than the person they are marrying?  I mean, I wonder these things.  Do they happen in life?  Is life really that messy?  Is what’s supposed to be a fairy tale—does it ever really turn out that way?  In ways it’s very heart-breaking and sad for me to think about, but in others, it’s kind of amazing, that a secret true love could burn so purely and loyally in the heart of someone who, by unfortunate circumstance, has had to part from the one who had his or her heart.  I know that person can love again, I just wonder if it will be the same, or if a part of them will always long for that other person until their dying day, even if they can never act upon that, even if they can never fully, truly express that sentiment again. 

 
I’ll probably never know the answers to my questions.

One of These Days

One of these days I'm worried that my heart's just going to break open. And we're going to have a lot of blood on our hands. And that's going to be a problem.

Clarification

I want to say something that relates to the post before this one...
Please note, my emotions can change very rapidly, so I very well may not be feeling this way in a day or so, or even in an hour or two. I just worry that people might mistake the drama of what I'm saying for a crisis when it's really not. I just have some things I'm working through. I write these things (many of which I've never shown to others, including two posts which I started typing on here but couldn't bring myself to publish because I don't want them to hurt others to read) in large part because I've learned that when strong feelings strike and you have the urge to express them through writing, you should do so as soon as possible because later on your writing can lose its punch, and you may not even feel like writing about what you initially wanted to, or you could lose the startling clarity of your thoughts and feelings and exactly what they meant to you in that moment. Like, earlier today, I wanted to write about religion. And I should have done it then because I had a lot to get off my chest and the beginning of my words all impassioned and prettily lined up in my mind, but then later in the day, other things started to really bother me, and I didn't feel I could muster up the same amount of agitation I had felt over the subject just earlier in the day, or at least not enough to make me feel sincere and genuine in my writing, or that it was as good or true as it could have been. In some ways, I guess having strong, bothersome thoughts and feelings subside and not being able to remember them as clearly as before could be good, but I've always been kind of a sucker for the truth of things.

Again

I can feel it again, the depression starting to creep back into my veins. Maybe that's why I tried to cut them in the first place, to let all that sadness out. If only it were that simple.