More than I ever thought I would.
More than I ever thought I could.
More than I wanted to.
I understand now how
people become obese
why people self harm
why people hurt other people on a regular basis (I could rarely understand this)
how people come to say, "I hate other people" (I could never understand this before)
I thought this for the first time last week. I cannot even begin to express the anxiety, fear, tension, loathing, disgust, and pain that preceded and followed this event.
experentially how people become apathetic and cynical (always understood that it happened, but never experientially how)
how people fail to help others when they need it most, even when they love them, even when they mean to
that people are sometimes pushed to the brink, and sometimes they snap
I don't yet know
what it's like to be
pushed all the way up to that edge
where you're no longer teetering
and you just fall.
I think I may be heading there though.
But perhaps I'm just fine
But then again
If I've learned anything
Maybe it's that
When I say that
I mean I'm really not.
Maybe though, it's all in my mind
But then again, that's where so much of this anguish is wrought
And the wars of the mind
Those are sometimes the scariest to be fought
I still have some time left
I don't know how much
Is there enough care to go around
To save us all?
If not, then maybe just let me fall.
Disclaimer: I don't want people to worry about me in terms of thinking that I'm about to do something really serious, because I'm not trying to threaten and/or imply that. I am calling out for help to those who've said they care about me, and I am trying to be pretty honest about that. I really am taking steps to try to address all of these things right now; it's just really helpful for me to be able to express some of the toxins that I carry around inside. Thanks for caring, if you do, and thanks for reading. Wishing for peace, happiness, and love for others.
