But oh well I guess, what’s done is done, ya know. I just miss you still, a lot. Maybe I miss feeling how much you love
me. And I miss just getting to be around
my best friend and getting to share so much with you and getting so close with
you. And I just wish we would have been
the ones for each other. That would have
been really nice. But I guess I realize
now if things proceeded as they were, I would eventually have been very
unhappy, and I think that that would have hurt you to see. Sometimes I still wonder if at one point you
had empathy, but then lost it. It seems
as a little boy you had a sensitive heart, which for it to be all about you
could be possible, but just seems a little unlikely. I still don’t completely understand why you
want what you want in life, though I’ve tried to. It almost seems as if work and comfort
sometimes get prioritized over love. But
that happens. And that’s your choice. I want my life to be a great adventure with
the love of my life. I figure that the
rest will probably fall into place once that’s there
I often wonder what will happen with your love for me when
you find someone else and eventually settle down like you want to. Will it fade?
Will it change? Will you forget
about it? Will you forget about it
through distractions like work and going out, maybe by having a child? Will she know about me, ever be ok with
me? Or are some things better left
unsaid? It seems to me that it would be
hard to harbor the kind of love you have for me along with another love for
someone who supposedly is supposed to have your heart. So either a part of you will always be in
love with me and have to somehow reconcile that with having a different wife,
or your love for me will change or dissipate, which is hard to process now
given that you speak of your love for me as being so strong and so eternal,
that you ended up loving me more than you thought you could, that you knew you
loved me from that first day we met up after all those years for lunch. I don’t really know why I wonder so much
about these things, probably because they affect statements made to me now,
like what it means for me to always have a place in your heart and for you to
always love me. I always say that time
will tell if “forever” is true.
Maybe you’ll meet someone else and realize I wasn’t all
that, or at least that I wasn’t everything you wanted, that there is someone
better for you. Maybe love will no
longer blind you so much to all of my flaws—my sensitivity and changing
emotions—and your love for me will be able to genuinely change, or maybe even
go away. Sometimes I wonder though—do
people ever get married to someone else even though they know they also love
someone else, even perhaps possibly more than the person they are marrying? I mean, I wonder these things. Do they happen in life? Is life really that messy? Is what’s supposed to be a fairy tale—does it
ever really turn out that way? In ways
it’s very heart-breaking and sad for me to think about, but in others, it’s
kind of amazing, that a secret true love could burn so purely and loyally in
the heart of someone who, by unfortunate circumstance, has had to part from the
one who had his or her heart. I know
that person can love again, I just wonder if it will be the same, or if a part
of them will always long for that other person until their dying day, even if
they can never act upon that, even if they can never fully, truly express that
sentiment again.
I’ll probably never know the answers to my questions.
