Can I Just Tell You...

That I wake up every day with pain screaming through the back of my mind.

Not the kind that's about oh my life's so hard because of this, oh my life's so hard because of that.

No. Because there's always going to be things to complain about. But I know, oh I know, that many people, if able to live my type of life instead of their own, would sink to their knees and weep in gratitude.

My pain is yours. It is inescapably, inextricably yours. The blood that runs through your veins is mine. The electrochemical firing of your neurons is also my own, burning white hot behind my eyes when you suffer. Your gut wrenching sobs, they get stuck in my throat, and I can no longer speak. I shake uncontrollably and wrap my arms around myself, but really, really, I'm just trying to hug you.

Always, always in the back of my mind, I am thinking about how people can do the overtly malicious things they do. Now, ignorance and apathy, those are a lot more subtle, a lot more difficult to combat, a lot easier to understand why they exist. They take much effort to change. But to severely hurt others. That takes a great, intentional effort to do bad. Trying to hurt-that hurts me.

I want it to stop. I want it. all. to. stop. I wonder every day why it can't. People tell me I need to pick an area to focus on, I'm taking on to much. When every day is a struggle to comprehend and cognitively bear, narrowing might seem like a lessening of the burden, but to me, it also seems exclusive. I need to remain functional, I need to be effective. Doing those things would seem to require a focus, but how can I leave others behind?

I love others. I just wanted to save them, and save myself. Was that really so much to ask? I wanted the world, that's all. The whole glorious, throbbing orb. I wanted to spin it into a world of love. I don't even know what it would look like exactly, because utopias, they're usually not. I just knew it would be better. Something better.


This was probably not that effective, but then again, maybe it was in some weird way. Maybe it will have unforeseen ripples. Either way, it was this-true. I need to get better at dealing with this. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop saying that.